Cries in the Dark

What has happened to me that I despair so much?

I barely write anything these days.

This feels way too much like something I will never overcome because I have never done so before.

Like I don't have a lot of time to do so.

I am 38 years old and when have I ever really been alive?

The only way I can get through this is with the support of others. I do not have this support. I am alone in my struggle.

I would like to experience romantic love, but my fate is otherwise.

Like a psychologist, I must believe people can really change, but it is difficult to maintain such a belief as time goes on.

Better to have l_ved and lost than to never have l_ved at all.

Every few weeks or so, there's a time I feel like crying for no apparent reason?

Sometimes, I imagine they do make that movie that everyone dreams. You know, the one where someone makes a movie about your life.

The emotion only leaks out when no one is around. Late night is best. Who needs sleep when you can cry?

No one ever says depression is a deadly disease. Have you looked at suicide rates?

What I want you to understand most of all is that some of us, at the very least, feel like we never had a chance. We are so damaged. Someone around you is suffering, but they hide it well.

We are the damaged. We are everywhere. That person you look down on is still very much alive and is your karma looking back at you.

I still dream of the things I can never have.

All I ever do is cry into the darkness.

sometimes a Vogon

Sometimes I think I am a Vogon. Not always. Just sometimes. I see myself as that mindless bureaucrat who never gets anything done. Like I need a form filled in triplicate to update Adobe Flash. Sometimes, I feel like Mordac, Preventer of Information Services. I cannot help you watch interviews of the Cowboy's quarterback or the next episode of Hotwives at work. If the video won't work, fix it yourself. Sometimes I feel ugly like a Vogon. Not always, but sometimes. Like that's how women see me. Those times, I don't like people much either. I write poetry and sometimes I think it's bad. So bad that.... No, you can stop chewing that now, I won't recite anymore.  Or maybe simply green, with envy.

First Post of the Year (are you paying attention?)

My depression is not something I am going to just get through. I have been dealing with it continuously throughout my life.

It is a state I have become all to comfortable with. As such, it is a challenge for me to accomplish all those things you take for granted – like someone who is disabled.

Things like cooking, driving, or a single romantic relationship.

I let friendships fade away like shadows. Leaving me as the hermit I feared I would become. I don't have the community to make new friends anymore. Even if I did, I barely talk to anyone.

I keep thinking everyone is too involved in their own lives to spare any time... whether it be a family or significant other. Simply too busy. Whether they actually are or not.

I have little in the way of drive or motivation. Dare I ask others for this? I suppose I am scared to do so. No one likes being nagged or being lectured.

Maybe I just need someone to hang out with on a regular basis that also has a little disposable income.

I don't want to coast through life anymore. I don't want life to happen to me. I want to happen to life.

I just have a lot of trouble getting back on the horse so to speak.

Why did I stop doing that thing I used to do to combat the pessimism? I should start that again.

Still always alone and lonely.

(yes I know sex is healthy and depression can kill you. You don't have to tell me again. It just pisses me off more)

Where I Am Right Now

I wish I could say my life could be an inspiration to others, but that just isn't true. The only thing here is demotivation.

Nothing here is overcome. I find myself hurtling towards a fate I have known for far too long. I don't want to surrender to it, but I can't seem to get a foothold. As I've said before, it's almost like my entire environment is a trap. How do you escape when you don't know anything different?

They will all deny that I am trapped.

Their delusion is so complete they think they are doing what is best for me. This is because I cannot possibly know what is best for myself.

They'd love me to be independent in all honesty. But I resist that because it means responsibility?

I don't know how to escape my fate, and I'm not sure anyone else really knows either.

I know I'm holding myself prisoner. Responsibility is borne by me as well.

For every step forward, two steps back. So easy to fall back into old habits. Too easy. So few good habits.

It's like I know I need to make a stand somehow. Some big difference. Some change. I just don't know how. I'm supposed to figure it out for myself. I feel like I can't.

I try writing. If that's what you want to call this. I pursue nothing. That is not OK.

There is no desire to excel. No drive. So equilibrium. No change. I stay where I am. On a path I despise.

The fourth path is an illusion. The only paths I really see are someone else's.

Ideas lost, No follow-through. I must find a productive activity to persist with. And not be so easily discouraged.

It's like I don't write about what's going on at the time because every day is basically the same.

laptop requirements

Laptop specs:

i7 (doesn't have to be Haswell)

7200 RPM hard drive or SSD

5 GHz wireless (AKA 802.11a)

dedicated video card (Nvidia preferred)

accidental warranty available (this kinda stops any boutiques like Razer. Getting it through SquareTrade is fine)

17” screen size preferred, but 15 is OK.

I'd rather not have to compromise on anything that isn't a preference. The only thing I may be willing to compromise on is the 5 GHz. There is a reason for all the specs specified, but to head off questions I know will be asked:

The 5GHz band is only used by one person at our house and could alleviate some of the congestion. 802.11n can do either 2.4 or 5 GHz, but any given wireless adapter may not be able to see the 5 GHz. For a laptop in particular, it is way too easy to spill something on it or drop it etc, hence why I want the accidental warranty. The rest should be obvious for mainstream gaming.

The only problem with the Asus G750JH is that it has the best video card Nvidia has to offer for notebooks and a price to match. I don't think the other Asus models do 5 GHz wireless for some silly reason.

My absolute max is probably around $1800, but I'd prefer lower than that. This does not include the price of the warranty.

a message

The following is a message I received from someone.  I'd rather not say who for now, but may answer if asked in private.

I only gave you a challenge I thought you capable of. It is a life that I hope you will make the best of.

I know you want me to do it for you, but I am not going to. You must do it on your own.

Everyone has challenges that fit their particular life. The measure of a person possibly being whether those challenges are overcome.

It is within your power to overcome all your challenges.

Stop waiting. Nothing will come to you by waiting. You must pursue your happiness.

You wouldn't exist if you didn't have a purpose.

moving today...

It seems to me that the hours of a writer don't coincide very well with those of a civil service programmer.

We all need one hour a day to disconnect. No electronic devices (yeah I get the irony). No cell phones, computers, e-readers, tablets video game consoles. Doubly ironic - we need to be sure to experience the world around us and not let us have others experience it for us. Down that path lies a static and fragile Humanity.

The fear of becoming a machine is all too real. It's one of the reason I would find AI teachers highly suspect.

Moving today.

So of course I feel the need to write at 2 in the morning. Wtf energy am I running on anyway? I'm probably pretty sleep deprived, but so awake right now.

I am on a path to certain doom. I don't think I have enough time to change course. I've been on this path far longer than I'd care to admit. I wish I could make a stand. Wish I could start somewhere instead of giving up so easily. I don't want to go gently, but I feel like all I can do is rattle the bars that I built.

Suffer in silence as I always do. I don't trust anyone enough to listen. I only talk to scream into emptiness.

Maybe one day I'll tell you just how lonely I am if I trust you enough. Some already know though.

So the best I do is rant on some blog that no one reads. Partly because I rarely post...

Damnit where do I start? While this post maybe somewhat productive in and of itself, it makes no progress towards any given goal. Goals....

I dream of love, but for someone like me, that is all I can do. If I'm not antisocial, I'm clueless. If I'm not clueless, I try to be unattractive. No one's gonna push through all of that baggage. I suppose I'd have to let my guard down. Like that's ever gonna happen.

I daydream about some random interest I would like to pursue but never do.

So unique just like everyone else.

I cannot defeat myself.

Let me be clear about that. That was never an option. If it ever looks like it was, either I was in extreme physical pain, or someone killed me.

Every once in awhile I start thinking of a dead drop or whatever you call it to give access to my computer to someone else if I'm... Gah, everyone would probably lose the username and password...

I want change I can murder in its sleep. Don't believe in much anymore. So much I want to believe in but I just don't...

I suspect I would still have an issue with depression even if my father was alive and well today.

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“The dreams in which I'm dying are the best I've ever had” OK So maybe they also involve saving a bunch of lives, but still.

Why must I kill Bert? If I heard voices in my head, that's what they'd be telling me to do right now.

belief poem - from 2007

They tell us
we gotta believe in somethin'

I been through religion
and I wasn't impressed

With a higher power
you get less 'sponsibility

Even Humanity
doesn't look all that great
right now

But maybe the Unicorn had the right idea
when said to Alice
If you believe in me,
I'll believe in you

If we gotta believe in something
why not each other?

a poem

To all those disturbed by the past:

Don't let your demons dance
Make the past stay where it belongs
Arise from your slumber
Take Control
Overcome your worst enemy

another stream of consciousness

(This first part is about G-d)
There is a question about who forgot who first.

Most likely I turned my back first. On He who have had many backs turned.

So He tells me “returning” could change everything. Could give me what I've been looking for. May even believe in me. He offered me the unicorn's deal with Alice.

(Alice thought unicorns were fabulous monsters and the unicorn thought little girls were fabulous monsters. So the unicorn offers to believe in Alice if she believes in him.)

So I'm stuck asking myself if the sacrifice is too great.

(about father)

Like he didn't fight it. I have no idea. I can only guess. But I don't ever remember him fighting it.

Finding comfort in that strange insanity (why did I call religion that?). Some do. But what do I believe?

I suspect I believe in nothing.

Sometimes I get these “delusions of grandeur”. I imagine that if I ever “wake up” I could change everything. And great forces are aligned against me to make sure I don't wake up.

Somewhere along the lines my spark became a void.

They are afraid of humans. Who wouldn't be?

No one says silly little human anymore. (This is a reference to a story I haven't yet written)

You see Mr. Reznor, I have looked through cracks. I know down that path lies insanity. ("Right Where It Belongs" for Nine Inch Nails fans)

Serenity can only be found elsewhere. I get the feeling I search for stress passively.

I suspect the only emotional connection I have with my father is the disease.

I wonder if the fantastic keeps me sane.

Rage directed inward.

I believe. . .

Keeping in mind whatever day this was posted. . .

I believe. . .

I believe both the government and corporations know what is best for me.

I believe Google, Comcast, and AT&T know what's best for me.

I believe Facebook should make all of your private information (not mine) publicly available.

I believe I deserve free health care that you should pay for.

I believe in free education for me that again you should pay for.

I believe in the First Amendment as long as you are saying something I agree with.

I believe you should let the public defender defend you, I'll retain the lawyer.

I believe the state knows what the best alcohol is and provides it to us at discount prices.

I believe it is crucial to a child's education that they spend at least six hours a day on Twitter and Facebook.

I believe lobbyists have our best interests at heart. (Just like the corporations do)

I don't believe in earmarks unless they are in my district.

I believe donkeys and elephants know what is best for the country – although not quite as well as the lobbyists. (corporations and government still know best)

I believe all illegal aliens should be sent home unless they work for the wealthy and/or large corporations.

Top 10 reasons you know you need a new cell phone

10) Your cell phone doesn't have a qwerty keypad

9) You can't connect your cell phone to your computer

8) Your cell phone doesn't have a camera (what is it with cameras and cell phones?)

7) You can't play music on your cell phone

6) You can't download any applications for your cell phone

5) You can't check your email on your cell phone

4) You can''t surf the web on your cell phone

3) You have to take out the battery every 15 minutes to use your cell phone

2) Your mother's cell phone is newer than yours

1) Your mother tells you that you need a new cell phone

More Introspection

A little background for those of you that don't know: here

I'm trying to tear a hole in the wall of how I felt as a child, even if I'm blinded by what I see.

Of what little I see is possibly anger hatred directed at whom?

Situation, G-d, the disease, maybe even my brother I don't know.

So in the end I am irrevocably damaged in ways I can't really imagine. I know others have suffered just as much when they were children (if not more so), but I think they have an inner strength I do not have.

I probably would've had my own significant issues even if my father had no problems. I think I'd still have trouble believing in myself.

No one will believe in myself for me... Where does that lack of self-confidence come from? I don't believe in anything for myself.

What about the pervasive pessimism? That's been with me since before I can remember. Where does it come from? How do I extricate something that has been there so long?

The logic inside is only a wall so no one can see what I'm really feeling – can't even see it for myself.

Would I still have become a programmer if my father didn't have the disease? (he was a programmer himself)

For the child I never was

For all that I can never have

I have to let myself in before I let you in. That's why I'm so quiet.

cell phone independence

After two years, I'm coming back to this. I think I have an idea why (and no it isn't people replying to the post on Facebook although that did help). If you want to know why you'll have to contact me privately.

Is the reason our cell phones are tied directly to particular telecoms because of the nature of the network? Something tells me the phone companies are just being greedy. This is the same industry that had a class action lawsuit filed against it for extraneous fees. Even when two companies use the same network, a given phone must be hacked to use in a different network. CELL PHONES SHOULD BE INDEPENDENT OF THE NETWORK THEY ARE USED ON. To give you an idea what it is like now: if the same were true with say printers. Dell might say you canot use any printers other than Dell printers. If you have attached a printer other than a Dell printer, we cannot help you no matter what, even if your problem is that the power button is broken on your computer. You voided your warranty by hooking up that HP printer.

Why was our government so obsessed with the stupid digital TV thing when the cell phone issue would appear to affect more people? Maybe GSM being a corporation and not a governmental entity? (3 billion is a lot of people) I figure the market might even have eventually decided that digital TV was the way to go if it really offered that much quality improvement.


Ultimately, I want to be able to use the IPhone on Sprint and the G1 on AT&T, and there should be no reason I can't do that.

random musings of nonsense wisdom

We don't ride SEPTA, SEPTA rides us.

A relationship is a very fragile thing and should be cherished while it lasts.

Make me happy. I dare ya!

Wondering how much my happiness depends on finding love and community.

Last time I felt community was on my vacation - a camping trip to Kansas with my brother. Details of that event known as Laid Back Labor Day are best told on an individual basis.
Before that, not since I was 16 really, well OK maybe 19 at the oldest.

What kind of environment would I be most likely to talk to strangers and maybe make some new friends(in real life of course)?

Don't you get it? He never lived and now he haunts us all.

gym

I did something I should’ve done a long time ago last Sunday. I joined a gym. Of course, I start thinking I really didn’t need that premium plan. . .

Joining a gym, I began to understand how easy it is to fill up a person’s schedule.

Still, without children, I figure people have about six hours every day to themselves assuming eight hours of sleep. I still come up with almost four hours of free time including exercise and meals. How does everyone spend those four hours?

Poverty is the cycle on the axle of greed.

I think anyone who comes up with a way to workout the mind and the body at the same time will make a fair sum of money. Wii and Dance Dance Revolution have the right idea, but not yet fully realized.

[type your subject here]

No one reads this anymore. I just don't post enough. The purpose my job served worked well - it consumed me thoroughly.

I don't want to be that zombie anymore. I want to really live. To really be alive - and for more than just a moment.

If I do not live, I will slowly become the demon inside. The anger will consume me. I cannot let that happen.

I need to find something else to hold onto here. The more I find, the better off I'll be. The less free time I have. . . I have way too much even with a job these days.

Oh well. If you do actually read this, please either comment or contact me. Thanks.

Questions

What if you had the solutions to all the world’s problems?  Would anyone listen?

What does Chaim Potok do if it’s Shabbos and he’s struck with a great idea for writing?

Why is it we always use someone else’s art to express ourselves?

Why does it pay more to play sports professionally than to solve all the world’s problems?

As an example:
I was invited to the department-wide Christmas party.  I ended up hemming and hawing about going.  I did find out on the last day that there is a train that goes there, but I’m not really sure how’d I get home.  I don’t think I know anyone well enough to ask for a ride.  What am I scared of other than being stranded?

W00t! Sick on my birthday.  No plans to cancel.  Maybe to depressed.  Feel like I didn’t use the last decade of my life properly.  Not enough having fun.  Such limited time here and I seem to waste it all.

Waiting for my brother to start his job and my cold to go away. . .

kill or die

You wonder why death scares me so much?  It’s very simple.

There is no afterlife.  Not yet.  The only thing left are memories and your creations.

I will be forgotten maybe just a little quicker than I’d like.  In the torrent of creation the Internet spawned, all my work is lost even if it was of any quality.

They’ve all stopped listening because I stopped producing.  I only have myself to blame.

But what else is new?  Would I be much better off if I ever got beyond that impasse?

Great. Creating yet another couple supernatural killers.  One walks through walls; the other slows down the flow of time.  Darkness has pervaded my only creativity.  I now reside in a pit of despair.  Almost convinced nothing can change.  Because in my world, nothing ever does.  My brother may be the only wild card.  But he’s not very reliable.

Who do I have to kill to change my personality?  Nah that won’t work.  The only thing stronger than my id is my superego.

I want to make a stand but I’m so paralyzed.

Hmm.  I think I have to tear down the wall from Pink Floyd.

lament

I used to think I had something to offer.  Now, I just hang on by a thread.  

Why am I still alive if I have nothing to offer?

The thread will eventually break.  When it does, I better have something else to hold on to or. . .

Lament: I have always been alone and alone I will remain.

My lament remains true.  A self-fulfilling prophecy.  I can’t even really maintain a friendship.  I even let all conversations die a horrible death.

Take the happy pill and be satisfied with where are you in life.  Or don’t and wallow in depression.  What wonderful choices!

Yeah, so it’s been over a month.  If I actually posted on here regularly maybe I wouldn’t have so many problems.  Why don’t I?  There’s never really a good reason.