More Introspection

A little background for those of you that don't know: here

I'm trying to tear a hole in the wall of how I felt as a child, even if I'm blinded by what I see.

Of what little I see is possibly anger hatred directed at whom?

Situation, G-d, the disease, maybe even my brother I don't know.

So in the end I am irrevocably damaged in ways I can't really imagine. I know others have suffered just as much when they were children (if not more so), but I think they have an inner strength I do not have.

I probably would've had my own significant issues even if my father had no problems. I think I'd still have trouble believing in myself.

No one will believe in myself for me... Where does that lack of self-confidence come from? I don't believe in anything for myself.

What about the pervasive pessimism? That's been with me since before I can remember. Where does it come from? How do I extricate something that has been there so long?

The logic inside is only a wall so no one can see what I'm really feeling – can't even see it for myself.

Would I still have become a programmer if my father didn't have the disease? (he was a programmer himself)

For the child I never was

For all that I can never have

I have to let myself in before I let you in. That's why I'm so quiet.