another stream of consciousness

(This first part is about G-d)
There is a question about who forgot who first.

Most likely I turned my back first. On He who have had many backs turned.

So He tells me “returning” could change everything. Could give me what I've been looking for. May even believe in me. He offered me the unicorn's deal with Alice.

(Alice thought unicorns were fabulous monsters and the unicorn thought little girls were fabulous monsters. So the unicorn offers to believe in Alice if she believes in him.)

So I'm stuck asking myself if the sacrifice is too great.

(about father)

Like he didn't fight it. I have no idea. I can only guess. But I don't ever remember him fighting it.

Finding comfort in that strange insanity (why did I call religion that?). Some do. But what do I believe?

I suspect I believe in nothing.

Sometimes I get these “delusions of grandeur”. I imagine that if I ever “wake up” I could change everything. And great forces are aligned against me to make sure I don't wake up.

Somewhere along the lines my spark became a void.

They are afraid of humans. Who wouldn't be?

No one says silly little human anymore. (This is a reference to a story I haven't yet written)

You see Mr. Reznor, I have looked through cracks. I know down that path lies insanity. ("Right Where It Belongs" for Nine Inch Nails fans)

Serenity can only be found elsewhere. I get the feeling I search for stress passively.

I suspect the only emotional connection I have with my father is the disease.

I wonder if the fantastic keeps me sane.

Rage directed inward.