from 02/02/2006

Born pessimist.  Whether or not I determine probabilities is irrelevant.

Transcendence of one’s own existence has always blinded you.  To look inside oneself has always been a dangerous action.  Many get lost in madness.  You just need an anchor to reality.  Our potential is limited artificially starting at birth.

Our species personality needs to be severely altered if you intend to solve those problems.

A real long-term view would be nice once in awhile.

What makes me so special?  A good answer could keep me happy.  Honestly, I don’t think I know metaphysics from Newtonian mechanics.

And this, symbolizes my inability to let go of the fantasies.  How do you overcome self-condemnation?

The ratio is all wrong: 2 hours of TV to 1 of writing?  

My grip on life is more tenuous then you think.  Life itself apparently isn’t that much of a reason to keep living.  No, I’m not in danger of suicide.  But, I do need something to hold on to, and I don’t have very much at the moment.  Like I have a death grip on my mother.  She isn’t going to live forever though.  My life reads like a dull tragedy.  These words only go up into the thin air.  No one hears my cries - I don’t cry to those who would bother to listen – only to those that won’t.

If only. . .

Just need a friend nearby who isn’t suffering more than I am.  Living through cyberspace isn’t really living.  I feel like I don’t try hard enough at anything I try to add to my life.  That isn’t just my opinion of my own efforts, that’s actually true.  Like writing or chess.  I keep at nothing except behaviors which only hurt me.

Can you see inside yourself?  Have you been blinded yet?  Our true nature is not something we dare to look upon.  Dare I journey inward for the betterment of myself?  What is inside is not necessarily dark or light.  Only blended shades of gray.  

Is it no coincidence the episode of My Name is Earl had Earl giving someone a reason to live – by being his friend, even though Earl really doesn’t like him.  Is my only company miserable as well?

Please give me something more to hold on to!

“This should not be how you see me.  This should not be how you see yourself.  Neither of us are just shells.”  Perhaps if I see him for who he actually was instead of what it turned him into.  Of the two biggest pieces of the puzzle of who I am, I seem to be missing a great deal of one of the pieces.  Perhaps only now do I see the need or have the drive to find those missing parts.
My progress is so gut-wrenchingly slow.