Cries in the Dark

What has happened to me that I despair so much?

I barely write anything these days.

This feels way too much like something I will never overcome because I have never done so before.

Like I don't have a lot of time to do so.

I am 38 years old and when have I ever really been alive?

The only way I can get through this is with the support of others. I do not have this support. I am alone in my struggle.

I would like to experience romantic love, but my fate is otherwise.

Like a psychologist, I must believe people can really change, but it is difficult to maintain such a belief as time goes on.

Better to have l_ved and lost than to never have l_ved at all.

Every few weeks or so, there's a time I feel like crying for no apparent reason?

Sometimes, I imagine they do make that movie that everyone dreams. You know, the one where someone makes a movie about your life.

The emotion only leaks out when no one is around. Late night is best. Who needs sleep when you can cry?

No one ever says depression is a deadly disease. Have you looked at suicide rates?

What I want you to understand most of all is that some of us, at the very least, feel like we never had a chance. We are so damaged. Someone around you is suffering, but they hide it well.

We are the damaged. We are everywhere. That person you look down on is still very much alive and is your karma looking back at you.

I still dream of the things I can never have.

All I ever do is cry into the darkness.

sometimes a Vogon

Sometimes I think I am a Vogon. Not always. Just sometimes. I see myself as that mindless bureaucrat who never gets anything done. Like I need a form filled in triplicate to update Adobe Flash. Sometimes, I feel like Mordac, Preventer of Information Services. I cannot help you watch interviews of the Cowboy's quarterback or the next episode of Hotwives at work. If the video won't work, fix it yourself. Sometimes I feel ugly like a Vogon. Not always, but sometimes. Like that's how women see me. Those times, I don't like people much either. I write poetry and sometimes I think it's bad. So bad that.... No, you can stop chewing that now, I won't recite anymore.  Or maybe simply green, with envy.

First Post of the Year (are you paying attention?)

My depression is not something I am going to just get through. I have been dealing with it continuously throughout my life.

It is a state I have become all to comfortable with. As such, it is a challenge for me to accomplish all those things you take for granted – like someone who is disabled.

Things like cooking, driving, or a single romantic relationship.

I let friendships fade away like shadows. Leaving me as the hermit I feared I would become. I don't have the community to make new friends anymore. Even if I did, I barely talk to anyone.

I keep thinking everyone is too involved in their own lives to spare any time... whether it be a family or significant other. Simply too busy. Whether they actually are or not.

I have little in the way of drive or motivation. Dare I ask others for this? I suppose I am scared to do so. No one likes being nagged or being lectured.

Maybe I just need someone to hang out with on a regular basis that also has a little disposable income.

I don't want to coast through life anymore. I don't want life to happen to me. I want to happen to life.

I just have a lot of trouble getting back on the horse so to speak.

Why did I stop doing that thing I used to do to combat the pessimism? I should start that again.

Still always alone and lonely.

(yes I know sex is healthy and depression can kill you. You don't have to tell me again. It just pisses me off more)

Where I Am Right Now

I wish I could say my life could be an inspiration to others, but that just isn't true. The only thing here is demotivation.

Nothing here is overcome. I find myself hurtling towards a fate I have known for far too long. I don't want to surrender to it, but I can't seem to get a foothold. As I've said before, it's almost like my entire environment is a trap. How do you escape when you don't know anything different?

They will all deny that I am trapped.

Their delusion is so complete they think they are doing what is best for me. This is because I cannot possibly know what is best for myself.

They'd love me to be independent in all honesty. But I resist that because it means responsibility?

I don't know how to escape my fate, and I'm not sure anyone else really knows either.

I know I'm holding myself prisoner. Responsibility is borne by me as well.

For every step forward, two steps back. So easy to fall back into old habits. Too easy. So few good habits.

It's like I know I need to make a stand somehow. Some big difference. Some change. I just don't know how. I'm supposed to figure it out for myself. I feel like I can't.

I try writing. If that's what you want to call this. I pursue nothing. That is not OK.

There is no desire to excel. No drive. So equilibrium. No change. I stay where I am. On a path I despise.

The fourth path is an illusion. The only paths I really see are someone else's.

Ideas lost, No follow-through. I must find a productive activity to persist with. And not be so easily discouraged.

It's like I don't write about what's going on at the time because every day is basically the same.

laptop requirements

Laptop specs:

i7 (doesn't have to be Haswell)

7200 RPM hard drive or SSD

5 GHz wireless (AKA 802.11a)

dedicated video card (Nvidia preferred)

accidental warranty available (this kinda stops any boutiques like Razer. Getting it through SquareTrade is fine)

17” screen size preferred, but 15 is OK.

I'd rather not have to compromise on anything that isn't a preference. The only thing I may be willing to compromise on is the 5 GHz. There is a reason for all the specs specified, but to head off questions I know will be asked:

The 5GHz band is only used by one person at our house and could alleviate some of the congestion. 802.11n can do either 2.4 or 5 GHz, but any given wireless adapter may not be able to see the 5 GHz. For a laptop in particular, it is way too easy to spill something on it or drop it etc, hence why I want the accidental warranty. The rest should be obvious for mainstream gaming.

The only problem with the Asus G750JH is that it has the best video card Nvidia has to offer for notebooks and a price to match. I don't think the other Asus models do 5 GHz wireless for some silly reason.

My absolute max is probably around $1800, but I'd prefer lower than that. This does not include the price of the warranty.

a message

The following is a message I received from someone.  I'd rather not say who for now, but may answer if asked in private.

I only gave you a challenge I thought you capable of. It is a life that I hope you will make the best of.

I know you want me to do it for you, but I am not going to. You must do it on your own.

Everyone has challenges that fit their particular life. The measure of a person possibly being whether those challenges are overcome.

It is within your power to overcome all your challenges.

Stop waiting. Nothing will come to you by waiting. You must pursue your happiness.

You wouldn't exist if you didn't have a purpose.

moving today...

It seems to me that the hours of a writer don't coincide very well with those of a civil service programmer.

We all need one hour a day to disconnect. No electronic devices (yeah I get the irony). No cell phones, computers, e-readers, tablets video game consoles. Doubly ironic - we need to be sure to experience the world around us and not let us have others experience it for us. Down that path lies a static and fragile Humanity.

The fear of becoming a machine is all too real. It's one of the reason I would find AI teachers highly suspect.

Moving today.

So of course I feel the need to write at 2 in the morning. Wtf energy am I running on anyway? I'm probably pretty sleep deprived, but so awake right now.

I am on a path to certain doom. I don't think I have enough time to change course. I've been on this path far longer than I'd care to admit. I wish I could make a stand. Wish I could start somewhere instead of giving up so easily. I don't want to go gently, but I feel like all I can do is rattle the bars that I built.

Suffer in silence as I always do. I don't trust anyone enough to listen. I only talk to scream into emptiness.

Maybe one day I'll tell you just how lonely I am if I trust you enough. Some already know though.

So the best I do is rant on some blog that no one reads. Partly because I rarely post...

Damnit where do I start? While this post maybe somewhat productive in and of itself, it makes no progress towards any given goal. Goals....

I dream of love, but for someone like me, that is all I can do. If I'm not antisocial, I'm clueless. If I'm not clueless, I try to be unattractive. No one's gonna push through all of that baggage. I suppose I'd have to let my guard down. Like that's ever gonna happen.

I daydream about some random interest I would like to pursue but never do.

So unique just like everyone else.

I cannot defeat myself.

Let me be clear about that. That was never an option. If it ever looks like it was, either I was in extreme physical pain, or someone killed me.

Every once in awhile I start thinking of a dead drop or whatever you call it to give access to my computer to someone else if I'm... Gah, everyone would probably lose the username and password...

I want change I can murder in its sleep. Don't believe in much anymore. So much I want to believe in but I just don't...

I suspect I would still have an issue with depression even if my father was alive and well today.

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“The dreams in which I'm dying are the best I've ever had” OK So maybe they also involve saving a bunch of lives, but still.

Why must I kill Bert? If I heard voices in my head, that's what they'd be telling me to do right now.