depressed

(originally written December 24th)

Damnit, I’m feeling depressed again. I said I would come home this weekend. (tomorrow’s Christmas and Hannukah). But I just don’t feel like doing anything and I’m having trouble deciding if I want to go home now or not. I wonder why I don’t tell my mother these things. Perhaps I feel like she’ll just worry more. Or ask about Dr. Blum or something – who happened to go on vacation so I won’t see him this Tuesday. Do I use depression just as a way to incapacitate myself? Prevent myself from accomplishing anything. Spent most of the day playing Quake. Need to do something else for awhile. I suppose this is as good as anything. On top of everything, there’s something wrong with my computer and I can’t figure out what it is. Firefox crashes intermittently for no apparent reason. Quake does as well but no where near as much. Then, I get these blue screens every couple days or so.

I’m in that whole “nothing to look forward to” state. Nothing to be happy about.

Almost definitely messed up my sleep schedule again. It was OK for a few days this week. I gotta learn to keep to a reasonably regular sleep schedule on weekends as well.

I need to really change my outlook, but I want to solve the long term problem as well. I don’t just want to take medicine that will improve my mood because I’m afraid that will only make me satisfied with where my life is at. I wouldn’t be motivated to change anything. (not that I am now)

I won’t even have more than one meal today because someone has been eating my food without my permission.

Alone I have always been and alone I will remain from now to eternity. I will die shortly before retirement or go insane when my mother dies. I will be forgotten. If none of these come to pass I will live a happy life. My story began as a tragedy and so it shall end.

It just happens to be that eve that is so important in that other religion. Eleven o’ clock.

All I’ve got is a roof over my head and a steady job. I’m out to make sure I don’t get anymore than that.

I’ve got have faith in myself before I can have faith in others. Perhaps I want to rely on myself instead of Mom.

I was born with so many external advantages. But so little to depend on in the inside. I have no sense of self. I know who I was supposed to be, but that isn’t who I am. I don’t know who I am – never really did.

With a little self confidence, all else follows. Agree or disagree?