all alone, father

The way some people write love poems, I have written poems about my lonliness.

Ahh what the hell I'll post this one:
*
left alone here
I see the future
I am the only reason
I can't fall in love
id resurfaces
wreaking havoc
nightmares
beyond what you can imagine

I sit alone again
in front of the machine
pouring away heart and soul
and in a way
it isn't really there
there's nothing on the screen
I'm just imagining my thoughts appear

I slowly begin to realize
years from now
I will still be here
sitting alone
in front of my computer

no one (not even me)
would seem to care enough
to change my fate
*

I cannot have that serenity to accept things which I cannot change and the power to change that which I can. I can only have one or the other. My own worst enemy is damn near impossible to overcome.

Waztching a parent decay over a period of 15 years really eats at you. My situation seems so unique. My father's condition is now preventable I believe. If you don't already know, my father suffered from chronic progressive Multiple Sclerosis from 1981 until he died in 1998. I don't know of any other diseases where the decay is over such a long a period of time. It's hurt me somehow. When I say decay: I mean slowly - very slowly at first, you lose the ability to move certain muscles - the nerve messages just don't get to the muscle. It starts out with an arm going numb every once in awhile for no apparent reason. Then, you have trouble with your legs. At first, you can make do with just a cane, but it just gets worse over the years, until you need a wheelchair. At that point, you probably don't have enough strength to push yourself around in it. If you fall, neither your young son or your wife has the strength to pick you up, so they must call a neighbor to help. Even the ambulance service famous for the line "I've fallen and I can't get up" won't pick you up because "someone elsewhere could be having a heart attack. So you lie there on the floor, helpless. As more time passes, your intelligence and memory will start fade. You'll need help going to the bathroom. Thisis about 10 years after the inital diagnosis. Around this time, if you're being taken care of at home, your caretaker probably will realize she can't afford to pay someone to take care of you at home, so she puts you into a home where you're probably the youngest guy there (my dad was 51 when he started living there). Then things really start to go bad. The environment isn't exactly helpful to your situation. Essentially left with nothing to do all day or even with the diginity of being dressed by mid-afternoon does not help. A few years there and then you have trouble swallowing. You don't want a feeding tube, so they purree your food. Because of the catheter, you get urinary infections regularly. One of those gets into the blood which nearly kills you. You don't want the machines, so why go on?

Welcome to my world. Maybe if I knew how it screwed me up, I could fix it.

The Truth

The truth is (and what Mulder couldn't really understand) is that there is no Truth. It's always going to be someone's perspective versus someone else's. Fortunately, the creator of the X Files actually understood this and had an episode about it, even if his characters did not.

This is why every medium of information you come accross is going to be biased. If you agree with the point of view, chances are you might not even see the bias.

Kind of makes you wonder about judges.

I had this idea for a reality show. Take two people who despise each other or are on opposite ends of the political spectrum and have them switch lives for awhile. I think the results would be really entertaining. I think I'd call it The Other Man's Shoes.

Probably have a lot more value overall than that stupid show Motormouths on VH1. What idiot thinks that watching people sing in their cars is incredibly funny?

hypocrites, cynics, and optomists

Irregardless of my last post, according to certain truisms:
Money is the root of all evil. Money makes the world go 'round. Therefore, the root of all evil makes the world go 'round.

Since no one was able to aquire the five bonus points I will have to state which movie the line is from. The line was from - (if you'd stop that incessant drumming, I could tell the readers which movie it is!) The Princess Bride. A Rob Reiner film that a few people I know got obsessed over. Wesley says it to Buttercup shortly before she pushes him down the hill. "Life is pain, Highness. Anyone who says differently is selling something."

With nearly everyone being a hypocrite after a fashion. The same people that think that end up being hypocrites themselves... as well as being cynics.

A certain Monty Python song comes to mind involving whistling. Optomists are a rare breed that ensure our survival. Thank your neighborhood optomist today.

In the next episode, I will attempt to tell the truth about Mulder's obsession with the Truth.

necessary evils

necessary evils or that crazy idealist:

There is no such thing as necessary evil. Anything that is necessary isn't inherently evil. War? What in the world makes war necessary? NOTHING. Necessary for population control? No, abortions are necessary for population control but not war. As far as abortions being amoral - that is a topic I really don't feel like getting into. Besides, the rate at which the world population is growing is decreasing and has been doing so for at least the past 30 years.

Death isn't evil. Why else do some people welcome death?

Anything necessary has a purpose. If it has a purpose that means it should not be evil. If the ends do not justify the means, than it isn't necessary.

Pain is a little harder to explain. Pain is necessary to enjoy life. "Life is pain, Highness." - (Name the movie and possibly the character who said it for 5 points) Anything that adds to our enjoyment of life has to be good. If you think (mental) pain isn't necessary, read Aldous Huxley's Brave New World.

The Illuminatus Trilogy by those guys named Rob says exactly who They are. The problem is, that the authors were toking up while writing the book so the answer isn't exactly clear.

I read an ad for a book claiming the elctoral college to be absolutely necessary. It doesn't mention in the ad a single reason to why that is. I'm not buying the book just to see some convoluted reasoning. Just give me a free summary.

Does anyone else have a problem with those silly labels: liberals, right, left, and conservative?
Remind me to state my opinion on necessary evils.

beamrider9: do like a filibuster in the Senate
beamrider9: start reciting the phone book

867-5309
555-1212

plutocracy

We live in a plutocracy. I only wish I could think of a decent solution. Any ideas for a practical meritocracy?

I have arisen to inform. Too bad no one listens.

The ultimate mass communication device has been horribly misused lately. Just isn't exactly something humans are ready for. Just like we're not ready for (oh crap). Apparently, the movie Chain Reaction is supposed to have some elements of truth in it. That's how you take down a plutocracy. (water-powered cars and open source) Thing is, everything else comes down with it.

If I'm not careful, I could end up telling people how to solve the world's problems using technology forgetting one rather major detail - People do not want to hear let alone implement anything I suggest whether or not my ideas have value.

Name the song:
O cruel Fortune!
Waxing and waning like the moon. . .
Hint: you've probably never heard it sung in English.

bury me not

They tried to bury me by sticking me in some government job in my field, with very little programming so as to avoid any hacking tendencies. They thought it would pacify me. They are wrong.

I will not go gently

The thought they buried me. They thought wrong.

Explanations should follow shortly.

More to come

Please wait patiently for more info. I have more details about my job elsewhere..
I can't surf the internet or email anything yet for job related duties or otherwise at work. Orientations start this Friday and there's a few of them each on a Friday in the coming weeks. My benefits kick in April 1st as far as I know. Meanwhile it's 5:15 AM and I've gotten very little sleep. I'll probably be a wreck at work today.

I can't even check the time on my computer because I changed it so it doesn't give me the blue screen of death at midnight like it's been doing. I wish I could figure out why it does that. Probably a virus, but which one? Then there's the unpredictable behavior of my router. Don't get me started on that.

I'm not sure when I'll get my first paycheck. I assume I'll get one this week for last week or something since last Friday was payday.

I forgot to mention a couple details about moving night. First, the battery in my cell phone was running low. The other is that the car skidded out of control on the ice for a couple seconds. Fortunately, I bounced off the curb once or twice and straightened out. Thing is, I was completely aware of what I was supposed to do during a skid, but it just didn't make any sense to me. No one was hurt and no car was damaged. Wee.

Saturday I drove to Lafayette Hills, PA. The Schyukill (sp?) Expressway is comparable only to those hellish intersections they call circles. Apparently there is a circle in Philadelphia - the Art Museum circle. I think it's even worse than the ones in New Jersey. These roads were meant to torment us I tell you!

My next experience was with a flat tire and brakes that were wearing out. I may have inadvertently caused the flat by running over a manhole cover that was not firmly closed. The thing with the brakes could not have been noticed by someone who drives the car regularly, apparently. That was yesterday afternoon. Luckily, I was with my mother who is an AAA member.

OK so driving is supposed to be a whole series of bad experiences? I'm supposed to want to continue doing this why? Is it actually possible to have a good driving experience if I leave my home state? wtf is a good driving experience anyway? How can I have one if most driving in PA would involve that stupid expressway?

Does anyone actually find this at all interesting? To me, I find it incredibly boring. I know of maybe one other person who takes the time to read this. (you know who you are) Anyone else out there? Oh wait, I forgot, I'm alone in the world. . .

Job starting soon

I start the job this Tuesday. I guess I'm pretty excited and nervous as well. The best way to describe my version of being excited is being Droopy excited which generally means that although you are excited you don't show it. I do show my nervousness probably through my sweaty palms which actually come from a side effect of a medication I'm on (at least I think that's the case, not certain though).

I did jump through all the proper hoops in the time allotted.

All that's left to do is play computer games or whatever until that day comes around and I wake up at 5:45 AM so we can leave by 7.

hoop-jumping pretest

I was told to come in today to the BRT (Board of Revision of Taxes) to fill out a form and a doctor's appointment (really the department of health and human services). If only it was as simple as it sounded. When they gave me the form, they told me the doctor is supposed to fill it out. Then, I learned I needed a social security card. Fortunately, the person I talked with knew what building the SSA was housed in. I had some time before my appointment, so I took care of that before the appointment. It reminded me of the DMV with the chairs and having to take a number. I'm sitting there wondering if I'll get to the doctor's appointment on time. Turns out, I go right from the social security office to the doctor's office to find out I'm 40 minutes early. I end up spending a good three hours there, though. At least I wasn't horribly bored as I watched the end of the movie The Rock and 1 1/2 episodes of Law and Order in the waiting room. The doctor told me I need to go back there after I get something from one of my own doctors that says I'm fit to work. Then, and only then, will they complete the form required for me to begin work next Tuesday. Jumping through hoops and it hasn't even begun yet...

I went to my primary care physician because that's the one that was easiest to get to, only to find out that wasn't the doctor I needed to get a letter from. Don't worry if you're confused. I think this is a pretest to prove I'm capable of following orders or something.

I got the job

Yes. I finally got a job working for the Board of Revision of Taxes for the City of Philadelphia as a programmer/analyst. Can't you tell I'm excited? ;)

I was when I first found out but couldn't really do any loud cheering as my mother was sleeping at the time (midnight).

I need a bigger ego, I wonder if this thing could help. . .

Too often I feel like I have nothing to say.
Willy Loman thought he was only worth was his life insurance policy.

moving (night)

I have been helping my grandmother move her stuff over to her apartment. The past day has been a growing experience. With all the sleet and ice, it was difficult to drive. I lost control of the car for a few seconds but luckily gained control quick enough that I just bounced off the curb once. In addition, I had my first experience driving a circle. If you're not from New Jersey, that's a road in the form of a circle where an intersection would be. There are exits off the circle you take to get to the appropriate roads. They are horrendous. Someone, years ago, must have graduated from Drexel with a civil engineering degree and thought up those monstrosities. j/k My uncle went to pick up a pickup truck (unintended pun) that he bought to help move my grandmother's stuff. So, I was supposed to drive the car that he drove to get the truck back to my grandmother's condo (not the apartment). Since I didn't know the way, I had to follow him. Following someone around a circle is incredibly difficult. After I left the circle, I could not see my uncle's truck anywhere. I drove down a little ways and pulled onto the shoulder to look around but saw no sign of him. It turned out that he was a few miles down the road from me waiting, but considering I had no idea where I was. . . Eventually, I called my mother, who called my grandmother to get the phone number to reach my uncle who came to find me (but not before picking up my driving glasses from my home).

Comcast monopoly

I ran into trouble with Comcast's regional monopoly yet again. My mother forgot her password so we had to have it reset. Problem is, the person we talked to didn't exactly know what she was doing, or was having a problem with the system that handles the accounts. In any case, she changed my mother's username so she can't receive emails to her old address. Changing the username is easy enough, it's changing it back to what it was which is a problem, apparently. After my mother vented her frustrations at a comcast rep enough, she finally got them to give her back her old username but it would take five days to do so. Meanwhile, she can't really send or receive email.

Because of the above problem, I can't post the myspace journals to the web space that Comcast provides until she gets her username back.

Our first big trial with Comcast was when the service was out in the area for about 10 days. They would come out, think they fixed the problem, and go back. Then, they'd find out an hour later the problem wasn't fixed. Very annoying.

I'm thinking that we'll have to wait an awfully long time before this regional oligopoly will be split up.

redundancy

Journal/BLOG moved to crazyrubes42.blogspot.com ...

Can you say redundancy and exclusivity? This is all getting incredibly annoying. crazyrubes42.blogspot.com may even change yet again, if I find something better than blogspot.

(this post is a joke)

the re-creation of the world

If you wish to be able to either post to this blog, receive updates, or find out when this little space of nearly useless info is updated, just ask me.

Sorry about going back and forth like this, but I forgot to change the email address on the original account. That becomes a problem if you also forget the password. Then, a friend convinced me to make a blog anyone could view instead of just that journal at myspace.com. (you know who you are)

Meanwhile, I can simply provide a link to the original blog here. As for the journal at myspace.com, I'm not sure... I might just post a repeat of everything. Maybe the aforementioned friend can convince me to do something again. Everything is his fault after all. ;)

Still, I can't get over how I've seen smaller forums with better posting options than this and myspace.com. Joe Blogger isn't going to know font color = 00000 from font size = 3. Why do these people think that Joe Blogger should? In addition, instead of having a choice between editing the stylesheet itself and choosing one of 8 premade stylesheets isn't much of a choice. Why can I not just choose a color theme in addition to how the blog is laid out? Why doesn't blogspot just hire me or something. Geez! wake up and learn some user-friendly programming skills. And you can't even email a real person from Blogger to tell them about what this thing lacks.

(no blogger I will not start my own blogging service)