sometimes a Vogon

Sometimes I think I am a Vogon. Not always. Just sometimes. I see myself as that mindless bureaucrat who never gets anything done. Like I need a form filled in triplicate to update Adobe Flash. Sometimes, I feel like Mordac, Preventer of Information Services. I cannot help you watch interviews of the Cowboy's quarterback or the next episode of Hotwives at work. If the video won't work, fix it yourself. Sometimes I feel ugly like a Vogon. Not always, but sometimes. Like that's how women see me. Those times, I don't like people much either. I write poetry and sometimes I think it's bad. So bad that.... No, you can stop chewing that now, I won't recite anymore.  Or maybe simply green, with envy.

First Post of the Year (are you paying attention?)

My depression is not something I am going to just get through. I have been dealing with it continuously throughout my life.

It is a state I have become all to comfortable with. As such, it is a challenge for me to accomplish all those things you take for granted – like someone who is disabled.

Things like cooking, driving, or a single romantic relationship.

I let friendships fade away like shadows. Leaving me as the hermit I feared I would become. I don't have the community to make new friends anymore. Even if I did, I barely talk to anyone.

I keep thinking everyone is too involved in their own lives to spare any time... whether it be a family or significant other. Simply too busy. Whether they actually are or not.

I have little in the way of drive or motivation. Dare I ask others for this? I suppose I am scared to do so. No one likes being nagged or being lectured.

Maybe I just need someone to hang out with on a regular basis that also has a little disposable income.

I don't want to coast through life anymore. I don't want life to happen to me. I want to happen to life.

I just have a lot of trouble getting back on the horse so to speak.

Why did I stop doing that thing I used to do to combat the pessimism? I should start that again.

Still always alone and lonely.

(yes I know sex is healthy and depression can kill you. You don't have to tell me again. It just pisses me off more)