I know there is more to life than these things. I suppose that’s where volunteering and spirituality come in. Those things answer the questions that we have about purpose. Perhaps this should be my activity with my uncle (father’s brother again) on Tuesday nights.
When am I going to start living my life? “Today can be the first day of the rest of your life.” Yeah, right. I think I need a plan. Would a plan work for my love life? Doubtful. But I know I need to put more effort into it if I’m to have one at all. I guess my question might be how. Even before that should be, what atttributes am I looking for?
Who am I? Would I have followed in my father’s footsteps if he never had MS? Would I have made my own path?
I have always tried to avoid the what would have been questions in that regard. Perhaps they serve to assist in answering why questions, but where have those gotten me?
It is life that I have missed out upon. And it is my fear that nothing will change even if I do have the time to change it.
Perhaps it was destiny to end up at this job.
There’s someone for everyone – except those who feel sorry for themselves.
The darkness wakes. The darkness has always been.
No one ever wants to read a dull tragedy.
It seems I’m much more attractive if I don’t let my hair grow too much. I just need to get my hair cut every two months or so. Just to make life interesting, I get my hair cut in Cherry Hill.
On my way to work today, I sort of put together a schedule of things I wanted to do when I got home. Have I followed it? Not exactly, but I did do most of the things I intended to accomplish in the schedule. Which means that my room is actually a little neater. (I can see the carpet so to speak.)
Why do I wait for all the women to send a message to me? Especially when that’s against the cultural norm.
Friday, March 31, 2006
Sunday, March 26, 2006
taxes, psychology, and love
Hooray! I did my own taxes!
Well sort of. I haven’t finished yet, and I did have to call the IRS for help, but still. The psychiatrist would point out here how quickly I belittle my own accomplishments. A common theme.
We always seem to come back to why. Sure, we can keep asking the why questions, but at what point do the why questions become how can we change this? I’m getting tired of the why questions. Is sticking to why questions making sure I alone am responsible for any change in my behavior?
Someone sent me a message saying “i'm sure you'll find someone”. Reminds me of when this one woman, a daughter of my mother’s friend, told me that I would find a job. I did eventually. Problem is that I’m not spending as much effort on meeting someone as I did at looking for a job. But then, looking for a job can be reduced to a science.
The psychiatrist also thinks I’m afraid of success. Yeah, yeah, fear of change and all
that. . . independence,
As soon as my brother moves to Kansas, I know I’ll regret not hanging out with him more.
Why do I never say a person’s name when saying hi to them? When telling an anecdote, why do I usually leave out names? Never any specifics. My one uncle, (father’s brother) is even worse…
I ended up leaving my cell phone charger at my mother’s, so of course my phone dies without me having a way to recharge it.
The number of posts is inversely proportional to the length of the post. (that means less of one means more of the other to those less mathematically inclined)
I have reason to believe only four people total read this on a regular basis. Myself, two others who leave comments, and one who leaves anonymous comments. If there are any more, please leave a comment with your name. Thanks. Remember, most of the questions aren’t rhetorical.
Well sort of. I haven’t finished yet, and I did have to call the IRS for help, but still. The psychiatrist would point out here how quickly I belittle my own accomplishments. A common theme.
We always seem to come back to why. Sure, we can keep asking the why questions, but at what point do the why questions become how can we change this? I’m getting tired of the why questions. Is sticking to why questions making sure I alone am responsible for any change in my behavior?
Someone sent me a message saying “i'm sure you'll find someone”. Reminds me of when this one woman, a daughter of my mother’s friend, told me that I would find a job. I did eventually. Problem is that I’m not spending as much effort on meeting someone as I did at looking for a job. But then, looking for a job can be reduced to a science.
The psychiatrist also thinks I’m afraid of success. Yeah, yeah, fear of change and all
that. . . independence,
As soon as my brother moves to Kansas, I know I’ll regret not hanging out with him more.
Why do I never say a person’s name when saying hi to them? When telling an anecdote, why do I usually leave out names? Never any specifics. My one uncle, (father’s brother) is even worse…
I ended up leaving my cell phone charger at my mother’s, so of course my phone dies without me having a way to recharge it.
The number of posts is inversely proportional to the length of the post. (that means less of one means more of the other to those less mathematically inclined)
I have reason to believe only four people total read this on a regular basis. Myself, two others who leave comments, and one who leaves anonymous comments. If there are any more, please leave a comment with your name. Thanks. Remember, most of the questions aren’t rhetorical.
Monday, March 20, 2006
Early this morning
I have an idea about my sleep pattern. I think every other week, I mess it up. I’m not sure why this is, though. It might have something to do with what day I come home from my mother’s. Like if I come home on Saturday, I have more of a chance of messing it up. When I mess up my sleep schedule, that usually means it’s screwed for the week. Next week, though, I’ll probably get a full night’s sleep every night. I do know that I screw it up mostly by sleeping during the day on the weekends.
What would I give to get lost in another’s eyes?
My mother hasn’t told me as much, but I know she wants to see some grandchildren before she dies.
Sometimes, I think I’m condemned to mediocrity. Mediocre job, mediocre house, mediocre life.
I’m stuck because I insist I don’t know when to ask when they want to meet in real life.
It’s almost 2AM. Wish there was a girl up now I could talk to.
Listening to Nine Inch Nails – The Great Below. Any NIN fans out there? I know Rob’s one. I knew this other guy named Rob that was also really into NIN. The two met each other once.
More productive now then all day. Writing this and searching for an apartment. And the best candidate is: (drumroll?) the same apartment as my psychiatrist’s office. It’d cost $150 more, but the place has great reviews and a great location.
I travel the lonely depths once again. Searching for something I’ll never find. I’m not sure I even remember what I’m searching for.
What would I give to get lost in another’s eyes?
My mother hasn’t told me as much, but I know she wants to see some grandchildren before she dies.
Sometimes, I think I’m condemned to mediocrity. Mediocre job, mediocre house, mediocre life.
I’m stuck because I insist I don’t know when to ask when they want to meet in real life.
It’s almost 2AM. Wish there was a girl up now I could talk to.
Listening to Nine Inch Nails – The Great Below. Any NIN fans out there? I know Rob’s one. I knew this other guy named Rob that was also really into NIN. The two met each other once.
More productive now then all day. Writing this and searching for an apartment. And the best candidate is: (drumroll?) the same apartment as my psychiatrist’s office. It’d cost $150 more, but the place has great reviews and a great location.
I travel the lonely depths once again. Searching for something I’ll never find. I’m not sure I even remember what I’m searching for.
Saturday, March 18, 2006
visiting brother, etc.
I did go visit my brother. I walked to the hospital from an appointment. Walking there was no big deal. Finding the correct building was another story. I went up to the correct floor but in the wrong building. I ended up having to have a surgeon point me in the right direction down a long hallway of the interconnected buildings.
The high point of my visit (according to my brother’s girlfriend, Sonya) was that my brother got out of bed for the first time during it as well as going to the bathroom (literally) for the first time after the surgery.
I decided for some reason to walk from the hospital to the bus stop. Five blocks more than walking to the hospital. . . It was quite blustery.
Three kinds:
Those with corrupted morals. Those who think they can’t do anything about the first group. And those who think they can do something about the first group.
I started to write a character study, but got disgusted by the actions of the character. Guy kills 100 people in a few minutes. Alone and armed only with a sword. Almost supernatural. I seem to be attracted to writing about fictional psychopaths for some reason. I don’t really read horror novels, though. I’d really prefer to write what I read – science fiction.
Addicted again?
These images that are pushed upon us. . . They turn us into something we’re not. We crave what we cannot have – what we cannot become. To become the ultimate object of lust. They dictate an image – “This is attractive and you are not.” The eye of the beholder has been betrayed – the inside is hollow.
The high point of my visit (according to my brother’s girlfriend, Sonya) was that my brother got out of bed for the first time during it as well as going to the bathroom (literally) for the first time after the surgery.
I decided for some reason to walk from the hospital to the bus stop. Five blocks more than walking to the hospital. . . It was quite blustery.
Three kinds:
Those with corrupted morals. Those who think they can’t do anything about the first group. And those who think they can do something about the first group.
I started to write a character study, but got disgusted by the actions of the character. Guy kills 100 people in a few minutes. Alone and armed only with a sword. Almost supernatural. I seem to be attracted to writing about fictional psychopaths for some reason. I don’t really read horror novels, though. I’d really prefer to write what I read – science fiction.
Addicted again?
These images that are pushed upon us. . . They turn us into something we’re not. We crave what we cannot have – what we cannot become. To become the ultimate object of lust. They dictate an image – “This is attractive and you are not.” The eye of the beholder has been betrayed – the inside is hollow.
Wednesday, March 15, 2006
from yesterday
My brother is having surgery tomorrow. He is getting a stomach band. It will hopefully enable him to lose weight. In case you don’t know, my brother weighs more than twice I do and is a couple inches taller. I plan on going to visit him in the hospital, but I’m not sure when or exactly where he is.
I can’t seem to think of anything to write again. That’s why the posts have become fewer.
Nothing here seems to change. Do I really pursue happiness? Why not?
I sometimes think I'm incapable of completing a story
I can’t seem to think of anything to write again. That’s why the posts have become fewer.
Nothing here seems to change. Do I really pursue happiness? Why not?
I sometimes think I'm incapable of completing a story
Tuesday, March 07, 2006
03/07/2006
My connection is a little less flakey. I’m trying not to run off and play computer games at the first opportunity.
Chicken or the Egg: an answer to which came first
According to evolutionary theory, the egg came first. Eggs existed long before chickens ever walked the Earth, so eggs came first. Furthermore, the chicken egg came before the chicken. If whatever laid the chicken egg was not a chicken then the egg came first. All chickens are hatched from chicken eggs. There is no way a chicken could come before it’s own egg. We need to replace this philosophical question with something not so easily answered by evolution. I was considering which came first, G-d or humans, but decided that it has too much of a religious slant to it as well as it pitting atheists against everyone else.
I’d like to think that I still have my health, but sometimes I have my doubts.
I have too much of a tendency to mess up my sleep schedule over weekends. That would be fine I guess if I was actually outside of my house when I mess it up.
My psychiatrist suggested there might be something to the idea that my mother is the cause of many of my problems. The last thing I want to do, though, is blame my mother for my problems. She already blames herself for enough.
I still haven’t made an appointment with the dentist – or with the doctor – or with . . .
Chicken or the Egg: an answer to which came first
According to evolutionary theory, the egg came first. Eggs existed long before chickens ever walked the Earth, so eggs came first. Furthermore, the chicken egg came before the chicken. If whatever laid the chicken egg was not a chicken then the egg came first. All chickens are hatched from chicken eggs. There is no way a chicken could come before it’s own egg. We need to replace this philosophical question with something not so easily answered by evolution. I was considering which came first, G-d or humans, but decided that it has too much of a religious slant to it as well as it pitting atheists against everyone else.
I’d like to think that I still have my health, but sometimes I have my doubts.
I have too much of a tendency to mess up my sleep schedule over weekends. That would be fine I guess if I was actually outside of my house when I mess it up.
My psychiatrist suggested there might be something to the idea that my mother is the cause of many of my problems. The last thing I want to do, though, is blame my mother for my problems. She already blames herself for enough.
I still haven’t made an appointment with the dentist – or with the doctor – or with . . .
Sunday, March 05, 2006
fear of strength
Everyone has difficulties to overcome. Usually, people simply rely on their inner strength to overcome them.
G-d helps those who help themselves. The problem is that long-term (meaning several years) depression actually interferes with the mechanism of inner strength, leaving you with no way of overcoming it. The earlier it begins and the longer it lasts, the more powerful depression becomes. It eats away at any inner strength. After awhile, depression starts to become your natural state. Like you’ve never known anything different. My current doctor just says I exhibit some symptoms of depression, like I said before: as if I don’t know that already. Maybe what I have to overcome is fear. I don’t even really want to see it as fear, but that’s what a great deal of my excuses not to do things are. Maybe I’m afraid of having any inner strength.
I think that the problem is that I don’t see a way out anymore. If I don’t see it, it can’t exist. How in the world am I supposed to make my own light at the end of the tunnel?
G-d helps those who help themselves. The problem is that long-term (meaning several years) depression actually interferes with the mechanism of inner strength, leaving you with no way of overcoming it. The earlier it begins and the longer it lasts, the more powerful depression becomes. It eats away at any inner strength. After awhile, depression starts to become your natural state. Like you’ve never known anything different. My current doctor just says I exhibit some symptoms of depression, like I said before: as if I don’t know that already. Maybe what I have to overcome is fear. I don’t even really want to see it as fear, but that’s what a great deal of my excuses not to do things are. Maybe I’m afraid of having any inner strength.
I think that the problem is that I don’t see a way out anymore. If I don’t see it, it can’t exist. How in the world am I supposed to make my own light at the end of the tunnel?
Wednesday, March 01, 2006
get me outta here
Somebody break me out of my jail cell! I was thinking about posting something like that on OKCupid or MySpace or something. I suppose I really shouldn’t, but I really need to get out of my room.
I don’t like this feeling of doom. You know, what I always find myself staring into.
ID’s Doom spells doom for me.
The slow dancer does actually have to take to the dance floor. At the rate I’m going, I haven’t even gotten that far.
I seem to be varying my activities a little more. I’m not spending my free time just playing computer games. These days there’s also posting here and a little IMing as well. Still, it seems like I’m doing very little of value.
At work today, I thought I messed up this one important person’s computer or at least her connection to the network. I got very stressed about it. Fortunately, I think evertyhing turned out to be fine, but I wonder about how much that increased my stress level. I think I became very panicky. Maybe because I could only imagine her response attacking me. Although, I didn’t dream up any specifics of this attack. I based it upon what I understood of her character, but maybe only the negative aspects.
I don’t like this feeling of doom. You know, what I always find myself staring into.
ID’s Doom spells doom for me.
The slow dancer does actually have to take to the dance floor. At the rate I’m going, I haven’t even gotten that far.
I seem to be varying my activities a little more. I’m not spending my free time just playing computer games. These days there’s also posting here and a little IMing as well. Still, it seems like I’m doing very little of value.
At work today, I thought I messed up this one important person’s computer or at least her connection to the network. I got very stressed about it. Fortunately, I think evertyhing turned out to be fine, but I wonder about how much that increased my stress level. I think I became very panicky. Maybe because I could only imagine her response attacking me. Although, I didn’t dream up any specifics of this attack. I based it upon what I understood of her character, but maybe only the negative aspects.
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