moving today...

It seems to me that the hours of a writer don't coincide very well with those of a civil service programmer.

We all need one hour a day to disconnect. No electronic devices (yeah I get the irony). No cell phones, computers, e-readers, tablets video game consoles. Doubly ironic - we need to be sure to experience the world around us and not let us have others experience it for us. Down that path lies a static and fragile Humanity.

The fear of becoming a machine is all too real. It's one of the reason I would find AI teachers highly suspect.

Moving today.

So of course I feel the need to write at 2 in the morning. Wtf energy am I running on anyway? I'm probably pretty sleep deprived, but so awake right now.

I am on a path to certain doom. I don't think I have enough time to change course. I've been on this path far longer than I'd care to admit. I wish I could make a stand. Wish I could start somewhere instead of giving up so easily. I don't want to go gently, but I feel like all I can do is rattle the bars that I built.

Suffer in silence as I always do. I don't trust anyone enough to listen. I only talk to scream into emptiness.

Maybe one day I'll tell you just how lonely I am if I trust you enough. Some already know though.

So the best I do is rant on some blog that no one reads. Partly because I rarely post...

Damnit where do I start? While this post maybe somewhat productive in and of itself, it makes no progress towards any given goal. Goals....

I dream of love, but for someone like me, that is all I can do. If I'm not antisocial, I'm clueless. If I'm not clueless, I try to be unattractive. No one's gonna push through all of that baggage. I suppose I'd have to let my guard down. Like that's ever gonna happen.

I daydream about some random interest I would like to pursue but never do.

So unique just like everyone else.

I cannot defeat myself.

Let me be clear about that. That was never an option. If it ever looks like it was, either I was in extreme physical pain, or someone killed me.

Every once in awhile I start thinking of a dead drop or whatever you call it to give access to my computer to someone else if I'm... Gah, everyone would probably lose the username and password...

I want change I can murder in its sleep. Don't believe in much anymore. So much I want to believe in but I just don't...

I suspect I would still have an issue with depression even if my father was alive and well today.

helpmiminhellhelpmeiminhellhelpmeiminhellhelpmeiminhellhelpmeiminhellhelpmeiminhell

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helpmeiminhellhelpmeiminhellhelpmeiminhellhelpmeiminhellhelpmeiminhellhelpmeiminhell

helpmeiminhellhelpmeiminhellhelpmeiminhellhelpmeiminhellhelpmeiminhellhelpmeiminhell

helpmeiminhellhelpmeiminhellhelpmeiminhellhelpmeiminhellhelpmeiminhellhelpmeiminhell

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“The dreams in which I'm dying are the best I've ever had” OK So maybe they also involve saving a bunch of lives, but still.

Why must I kill Bert? If I heard voices in my head, that's what they'd be telling me to do right now.