I feel like I’m fighting a losing a battle. It feels so futile.
I’m fighting against myself and I cannot win.
I have reached a point where it doesn’t matter whether I succeed or fail. I will still survive a mundane existence where I have been alive.
Nothing left to look forward to.
Every moment I lose more hope. And I don’t have anyone to turn to.
Everyone else has their own life or is too far away or is too depressed themselves.
How quickly will I be forgotten?
I have seen the past, the present, and the future and it scares me. 50% chance of dying of cancer or heart disease. “Hen-pecked” as my brother says if I ever find anyone. My brother thinks it’s going to be a Jewish girl. I tell him no, it doesn’t have to be, it’s built into my personality.
BTW. No one ever bothered to answer my question the first time I asked it, so I’ll ask it again. Can people really change?
I look at other people’s lives and see how they’re where they want to be. I will never be where I want to be.
Sometimes I think I’m working against myself. That I’m my own worst enemy. But what else is new?
I’m at the point I look forward to meetings for the social interaction. I am in need of major help. But no one has the free time like I do. I feel so far behind in “social maturity”. I know I will never catch up. It means I’m behind on living my life.
Today, I didn’t start playing Quake as soon as I came home.
2 comments:
To attempt an answer on your question... I think people really can change. It's in the realm of possibility. I just don't think enacting a conscious change is easy by any stretch of the imagination.
When we say to ourselves, "I really need to change [fill in the blank]," what we're really hoping for is that the [blank] will change without requiring our help: passive change as opposed to active change.
Yes, I think people can change. But only very slowly, over long periods of time. Like a glacier.
Are you coming to the wedding? There'll be tons of social interaction there...
Ross
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