eating, living, or otherwise

[Listening to Marilyn Manson - Antichrist Superstar. Like you really care ;p]

I don't eat enough. I'm 123 pounds and 5' 11". Clearly underweight. I've been surviving on frozen dinners, whatever junk I can get at the Gallery, and the local pizza at work. Not healthy at all. I end up having KFC, a meatball sandwich, Taco Bell, or pizza for lunch. Every once in awhile, I'll have a falafel pita. Never cooking. I can hardly even get msyelf to make spagetti anymore.

On some level, I think I have a death wish that just takes 25 years to come to fruition. Cholesterol and whatnot.

Yeah, I'll have enough money for retirement if I live that long. (I've started saving already) Retirement- what the hell would I do all day anyhow? That's a great deal of the problem. I have started playing chess again but not humans just yet, just the computer. I feel like I suck at it though. Or I should at least be better than I am. My father was a very good chess player. Not a master or anything, but still pretty good. Further evidence that I feel like I can't live up to my father's expectations which I know nothing about? My psychiatrist has mentioned guilt as a reason for my current state. Not meeting those expectations is the only thing I could come up with in terms of guilt. I know you're wondering what I mean by my current state. I won't bother going into that here. If you really want to know, my AIM screename is on my profile page (click to the left where it says View my complete profile.
I need to do things other than staying in my room all day. So? What should I do? I could go to a chess club and lose to everyone there or a poetry reading without anything to read. And who do I go with?

I feel like I'm always going to be alone. A lack of self-confidence kind of condemns you to such a fate. I suppose I could change that. But where am I supposed to pull all the strength to change myself from? Will medicine just make me a happy zombie or will it help me become a better person? Comfortable with my current social life is the last thing I need to be right now.

Why can't I even finish anything I write? Just like landing is to flying, finishing writing is to writing or something. In any case, finishing it is the hardest part.

So much I should could try. . . no motivation leaves me sitting here alone and bored.
No better a time than now to change everything.