meaningless drivel?

I feel like I don't have enough friends. Unfortunately, I'm not one that easily makes friends. I just have a few close friends for my entire life.

The loneliness eats at me. It's midnight and I got to be at work at 8 AM and I don't care. I might just end up staying up all night again - if I feel inspired.

That stupid movie, The Forty-year Old Virgin is going to haunt me until . . . or for the rest of my life.

The time has come to make my life better. Where and how do I begin? I desparately need something that would increase my self-confidence.

Pointless little whimper. That's all that will be left. I thought again about what would happen if I fell dead on the sofa at my mother's. My mother's pain could not be contained. I think more about death than about suicide I guess. I don't really think about either that much at all.

Happiness is just a dollar away
Love is just a mouse click away
Peace is just a word and a wave away
Death is only a second and a soul away

Rob if you read this, I'm listening to that band that played for Quake 1. Feel free to mention which band this is.

"every day is exactly the same"

Anonymous is listening.

depressed again

I think I'm depressed again. I haven't really felt this way in awhile, but I just feel like I have nothing to hold on to and no one to talk to. It makes for a very lonely existence. That whole futility about changing my personality doesn't help either.

I have a feeling this won't even be read by anyone - the one person who usually reads this is understandably probably pretty busy right now. I guess if I don't make that many posts, I can't expect that many people to read it.

I can't even get myself to call someone on the phone just to talk.

I went to see the dentist yesterday for a crown. I'm not even sure the novocaine was injected in the right place. They could only give me a temporary one for some reason. I accidentally popped out the crown when flossing. So now I probably need to go back again today. All that pain. And for what? I'm supposed to go to a Tchaikovsky concert tonight with my mother. Because of that, I will have to make the appointment for during work hours.

Is every post I make merely a cry for help? The doctor says discussing the lack of motivation is a step in of itself. It isn't action though. I tried to print my last post for my last appointment with him, so of course the printer didn't feel like printing and I didn't have time to troubleshoot it.

At work yesterday, one of my coworkers said that I left a sheet of paper with "all of our passwords" written down on it in the conference room. He thinks I wrote it. I'm pretty sure someone else wrote down one password for the local administrator account to the desktop computers and nothing else. I'm pretty pissed of that they lay the blame on me out of hand. I explained what that sheet of paper was to my supervisor when she originally showed it to me.

motivation / my brother

I've begun again to see how mylack of motivation or drive impacts my life. I also fail to see how I can possibly get any more drive. This handicaps me in everything. I cannot proceed along to any of my life goals because of this. I don't see changing something that is so built-in to my personality. So I see myself as stuck.

I also find my lack of charisma frustrating. Like when I'm right about something, I always have immense difficulty convincing anyone. I actually made a point of how pissed off I was about this once to my brother. He thinks he knows sooo much about computers. He's even embarrassed me in public in this regard. Of course, I'm the one who does it for a living and got a degree in it. But does he take my word for anything? No, of course not. That's cause my brother is an asshole in case you people didn't realize that yet. And you'd probably take his side. Oh well, I offered to get my brother a motherboard. I've given him too much already, including my dignity. He ain't gettin squat. Not until he learns to give something back instead of just taking. My brother is the only one that can get me to curse, simply because he angers me so. I'm supposed to feel sorry for him because he's saving money to open a tattoo/piercing palor in Kansas and can't afford to buy a computer. What's odd, is how my brother sometimes can be very flattering by the same token. But, I see it as flattery, not an honest compliment.

Unfortunately, standing up for myself simply gets people to think they need to behave with gloved hands around me. It apparently is either the gloved hands or I don't stick up for myself. I'm sick of those two extremes!

Can a person change his or her own personality?

computer game addiction?

I was watching an episode of the TV show Intervention on A&E last night. The show is about how a family has an intervention with the help of a therapist or counselor of some kind with a family member to solve a particular problem. The episode had a video game addict and a bulemic. Of course, because of the video game addict, I had to watch it. I really didn't learn anything, though. Although, I did wonder what would've changed if anything if my family had an intervention for me inthe beginning of my sophmore year in college. I guess the problem is that being away at college, my mother had no way of knowing how much I was playing the games. Again, the question comes up: How do I stop myself from playing computer games so much and start doing something more productive? I was thinking of forcing myself to write something before I start playing. Thing is, when I come home from work, I'm not exactly in a mood to write. If I could just get myself to write at least one thing every day - no matter what it is. . .

I'm gaming less than the guy 0n the show. He does it for at least 8 hours a day. I can only do it for a max of 7 hours a day, less if I want 8 hours of sleep. I usually try to do other stuff in addition to playing computer games. . . The thing is, I would like to spend more time on more productive activities. Like switch the time I spend on other activities with gaming. Maybe I'm not really addicted - not anymore at least. I suppose I'm the only one that would know. And as usual with things that only I would know, I have no clue.

I think I don't get out of the house enough simply because I don't invite my friends to go out. I usually end up waiting for an invitation. Why? Fear of rejection? I find that hard to believe when it just comes to friends. I might be using that as an excuse anyhow. Blowing it out of proportion into yet another reason for illogical behavior.